Tally up the criminals in earthy `Body Count'

They may not be good, but heck, they're on TV. This week, fromthe fringes of filmdom . . .

For the first time in Camera Obscura's brief but glorious history,we highlight two movies you can watch before the sun sets. Nosetting your alarm for 3:20 a.m. No programming the VCR. Noaccidentally taping "Raging Planet" instead.

And 1997's "Body Count" is actually worth watching - if you havethe stomach for incessant violence, filthy language, and extremecloseups of craggy David Caruso.

The former "NYPD Blue" star plays a very mean career criminal whoheists priceless paintings from a museum with a little help from hisfriends: "Pulp Fiction's" Ving Rhames, a religious ex-con; "Summer ofSam's" John Leguizamo, a motormouth psychotic; "The Crying Game's"Forest Whitaker, a sex-obsessed homeboy; and Donnie Wahlberg, theartist formerly known as a New Kid on the Block who is apparentlytrying to toughen up his image with thug roles ("Ransom"). Hisacting's not bad - at least as good as his brother Mark's - butnostalgic teenyboppers may weep to see him smoking pot and dementedlyblathering about his economic theories: "Control the protein.Control the world."

As the boys take a road trip from Boston to Miami to cash in their$15 million cache, they argue with each other, insult each other,insult each other's families, and try to kill each other. Soon themysterious Linda Fiorentino ("Jade") hitches a ride and becomeseverybody's love interest.

The best reason to watch is Leguizamo, who's exhaustinglybrilliant in his manic riffs about what he's going to do with themoney, how he's going to get his brother out of a mental hospital,and the time a girlfriend's father walked in on them in bed: "I hadto shoot him. She never spoke to me after that."

On The Movie Channel at 6:30 p.m. Friday.

"TROOPER" BLOOPER: "Storm Trooper," however, is the kind of moviethat usually plays in the wee hours of the morning - and with goodreason. The 1997 thriller has a silly premise, a bizarre cast, andcliched lines: "My men are highly skilled professionals."

That's more than I can say for the filmmakers. Supermodel CarolAlt goes Farrah Fawcett, wearing haggard-looking makeup to convey thefact that she's an abused wife. John Laughlin is the intriguingstranger who shows up at her house in the country - bleeding, withamnesia, and with what appears to be a Gameboy embedded in his arm.

Then it gets weirder. Zach Galligan, wearing a goatee to conveythe fact that he's a bad man, is in charge of retrieving the cyborg("Find him and eliminate him now!"). Rapper Kool Moe Deeinexplicably shows up in a throwaway role as some sort of agent. Andthen Corey Feldman, wearing an eyepatch to convey the fact that he ismissing an eye, enters the action as a mercenary with a conscience.

Indeed. On TMC at 6:30 tonight.

CABLE READY: It's time to revisit 1986's "Lucas," which featuredsome future stars. In addition to Corey Haim and Charlie Sheen(before they went bad), watch for Courtney Thorne-Smith as a populargirl, and Winona Ryder, who looks like a small boy. It's on the FoxFamily Channel at 5 p.m. Saturday.